So I saw this video randomly by a good indie filmmaker…

hahaha… and it also got me thinking, oh yeah, what if I die today?

I suddenly remembered the key-holed black book I have bedside (a.k.a. my diary)… when I die, I want that published! (haha!) not that I want everything that is in it (sheesh). some entries are even undone, but this is just so to fulfill my dream to publish my own book. (masabi lang)

So there, just a quick thought. I hope my family reads when I die.

While waiting for my friend, me and my other friend decided to look through pictures over the internet for wedding dresses. Giddily picking up on, clicking, and clicking… No wait…

No, of course not! Im not getting married.

While the thought of getting married is far off my mind, I am still a woman who also thinks about how I wish mine would be when I’m finally willing to be there.

I have already thought of three perfect settings. But actually two might do, as long as one would be at the church and one would be at the beach where everyone is freely dressed with uninhibited dancing to funky music! Just in pure good vibes.

The wedding gown for the church would be much of a paradox. Simple yet very detailed. I don’t want a petticoat-styled dress nor those heavy looking gowns packed with laces all over. A simple straight dress with cute tiny details embroidered, a tiny belt to accent – of contrast color – maybe black or yellow is what I want. I haven’t found any picture that resembles what I want, but the picture in my mind is very vivid! Arte! I don’t want the thing that’s covering the face. What’s it called? I want the hair to dabble freely with maybe a tiny flower or sort of tiara-like-tinee put on at the top. The flower I will be holding, will be really something. I don’t mind sharing my beauty with it. Haha! It will have its own story in itself. That beautiful! I love flowers. The wedding will be packed with greens. It would be really something, the potted arrangements, I swear. I don’t want a flashy wedding. Every piece that will be placed has a meaning, every detail counts, and it must have a connection to both our lives and is not just there because it’s beautiful or a fad. It’s there because it deserves to be a part of.

I’m not much of planner and I am sure tiny details might get changed or get tweaked, but that’s how I picture it at this very moment.

A fluky post.

I have been ultra melodramatic lately. I can’t help it. I do not know any Filipino (or even non-Filipino) who was not affected by storms that just hit our country. I have never been this empathic… and this thankful, that I am still here with my family.

For days a lot of us have moped, skip that now. I’m just happy we are all standing up and trying to help in one way or another. If I would be given a chance to choose to be pinoy again or not, I would without hesitation, be pinoy over and over again. I love my country. super lang.

Though what happened crushed souls, it makes you want to grab anything from life more!

I know it’s a bit early to start wrapping up my year, but so far, I am happy. Though it may look little to some people, this year I felt I’ve grown and experienced a lot. Discovered myself in becoming more fulfilled and now a lot more knowing of my passions in life.

I’ve read more. Played more. Painted a lot more. Sang and danced more. Met amazing new people. And just everyday getting fired up and inspired to live a full, happy life.

Me and my sister have made our bucket lists already, very LOOONG, so here’s just my own very-immediate-for-the-next-coming-months-sorta-bucket-list:

1. diver’s licence – I can now be officially called “master of intro dive”, hehe. I wonder how I have come to a lot of dives and never got myself a decent license. erm.
2. read more books – and articles.. and blogs… I know, sounds geeky, but when asked if you were in an island and asked to bring three things, one would be a great read.
3. violin – must study violin! cant let my violin rot like that, would be a big shame.
4. pottery – my friend introduced me to this and i am very very interested.
5. film animation – my main waterloo in art is cartoon making/animation, I am planning to learn more about this.
6. bonsai – i heard my friend saying taking care of a bonsai can be challenging. I love nature, very domesticated, but you know what they say, if all things fail to design and prove art, move to plants. Haha! Madaya to be frank because nature is an art on its own.
7. Hug more and kiss more – When language is a barrier, a kiss can settle everything bleak.

Sheesh! So many things to do! Exciting!

Great day today! OOH sun! Time to get started!

I am about to make one of those shameless conclusions:

If you are addicted to something, OF COURSE, you are selfish.

Well, I am not talking about JUST addiction to smoking or drinking (of course those are default premises attached to addiction), but I am talking about addiction in most broad aspects of…everything! Addiction to food, money, family, friends, relationships, religion, prayer, fitness, music, art, whatever! I am putting this without exception, if you have any, whether it is for good or bad, heavenly or hell-ish, addiction is addiction. Selfish. Period.

I am selfish.

Boo!

For the past few days, I suffered overstretched hamstring. My god, who knew there is such a thing?! I overdid a lot of training, convincing myself that I was doing the right thing, that pain is part of everything, blah, blah, blah… of course I was rationalizing, I have most fun when I run and do capoeira. It’s when I feel most alive, I was addicted. Hence, the classic overdoing.

I know a lot of people who smoke, and I ask them why. Most of the time find myself wincing after the “wala lang” phrase from them. Hey, not that I am excusing myself from anything. I had my fair share. I smoked, but there’s this one person who asked me why (the only person who dared), and as soon as I found myself out of answer, I dropped everything. I just dropped smoking realizing it’s the most preposterous thing I have ever tried.

When you’re addicted to something you don’t care much about anything that may hinder it, you just do it over and over again in a pulse no hesitations. Hence, my conclusion for selfishness.

Shameless conclusion number two: When you can do everything in moderation, for sure you will succeed in life (and in anything else you want to succeed in).

We are slapped in the face with a lot of balance-driven practices and concepts, like so the chi, but I just realized my lack of care of it. For sure if we find balance in work and play, activity and rest, creating and destroying (hehe!)… everything did in proper moderation, we will be living a life so in bliss.

I was an addict. I overdid. These are just MY shameless conclusions, I don’t think they can be so agreeable.

Nevertheless, today, I will rest.

I just refuse to be selfish.

It’s time for a dense post. I will talk about my hair. Haha!

I am really sensitive when it comes to my hair.

One time, I was drunk, I cried to my gay friend and told him that I have a sad childhood because my mother did not style and comb my hair the way other mothers do for their daughters. Hahaha! I know! Okay, that of course I cannot explain, how can I? I don’t even remember saying it!

You cannot touch my hair if we are not friends or family or s.o., I’m telling you, I morph.

Mine has always been long, straight, very black hair, I like it I Love It! But recently, I have just decided to cut it short (shoulder length) and… have it curled. Definitely, outside of my comfort zone. So outside, it’s like me saying I love president Gloria. Haha!

I have to muster all strength to look into the mirror. I feel so 80s! not that that’s a bad thing since I have always loved the classics, but then again, me looking like one, sometimes leaves me out of words.

My hair looks like this.

or sometimes, at its worst, I look like this.

No offense to M.J. fans, but I am girl and, yes, when I can associate my looks to a boy. Gees! It’s scary!

A lot of people have been asking me nonstop, Why the hell Da?

Hmm…
Because I love doing the uncertain. It’s the thing that stops the hell out of me to stop asking and to just jump in. Of course, there are some things that I wish to take back, but hey at least, now I know! The creepy limping is done with.

At least, ngayon alam ko na, I will not do this again! My ultimatum for everyone: NO PHOTOGRAPHS FOR THIS PHASE IN MY LIFE. hahaha!

—
Don’t you think life is too boring without it? (Uncertainties, I mean, NOT the curls! Silly.)

Coming to a block is the hardest part of life.

I went out of town to get this over with, only to find myself in the same spot. Dreadful, disgusting, and frustrating. Very very frustrating. I have resorted to all sorts of inspiration.. conversations, vids, internet, music, nature, zen, capoeira, running, deep breathing… A LOT OF DEEP BREATHING!!! nao, nothing seems to work.

I’ve read a whole lot during this drought. Just finished my third book plus two double digest archie’s… been blog-hopping/hogging and yes, I’m still here, dehyde to the nth!

Take this away… PLEASE!

—
So, I dreamt about my ex. We were sitting beach-side, holding hands. And then suddenly it’s Jesus holding my hand. Whatever you’re thinking, I know… I myself don’t know how to react to this. After months, am I still hung up??? What?! (hehe)

Jesus in the picture. Now that’s refreshing. He’s telling me to slow down. Maybe I should?

I was telling myself and everyone how i am never bored for doing a lot of things and now I am so bored I can count the dust hovering around me! No I will not shop! No I will not overeat! I will deep breathe again… and crawl…

Crawl and crawl until this goes away.

Ouch! my knees!

So people have been asking me, why I run.  I’m pretty darn skinny (or sexy daw, haha!) , plus it’s a pretty exhausting ordeal, WHY DO I HAVE TO RUN?

Well, here is the deal,  if I start yapping about why I run, we’ll be running a one-day read for you for that one, so, I’ll just try to make it simple by saying I love feeling like a kid.

As a child, I have always been tagged as crazy (makulit), always running (kiti-kiti), crybaby (iyakin), and let me tell you I  still am in their own respects and I’m planning of staying the same.

During family reunions, it is almost always the topic that I am one hella of a crybaby. Yes, all of them, and I mean all of them, can attest to that (yeah, sometimes it gets to my nerves, hehe) and they even mimic how I exactly did it back then, but I realized as I grow older, this haven’t changed a bit.  Now, I may look fierce, but I cry at the smallest things.  Don’t get me wrong I am not trying to imply this as negative, on the contrary, i am rather proud of it. When I am moved, firing, and in so much passion, I cry, and when I do,  it makes me appreciate the things around me more and more and more, everytime…

When I run, I am FREE. When I was a kid, when I run I don’t care… bumps, bruises, scratches, whatever,  i run,  i don’t care. I cry a bit then laugh a whole lot! As we grow old, we start building up  inhibitions and this as almost always sucks the life out of us. We start caring too much about the what ifs until everything is too late. As long as I don’t hurt anybody, and I am towards a better goal, I just go. When I run, I just GO.

I love going back to feeling like a child because I love to enjoy life. I love crying because I enjoy laughing a lot. I love running because I always want to GO with anything I want to do in life. When I have fun and I’m active, I commune better with God, with myself, and with other people.

So now let me ask you, why are you NOT running?

do the things that make you feel giddy, alive, and feel like a kid, no matter how absurd it is for other people. Just go for it.

just a thought…

I would rather be the one who died trying rather than be the one who stopped living for not even trying.

I know a lot of people who are stuck in a rut, but are like puppets of their own theatre who can’t do anything. In a way I feel a bit obligated to liberate them from their inhibitions and fears, but for now I think it’s better to first stop conforming to their judgements and I hope in the future I would be able to inspire them to just free themselves. I hope to show others how exciting and fulfilling it is to just go for it, whatever the end product might be, failure or success. For me, this is the definition of inner freedom.

24x36in, acrylic on canvas

i have never been this happy! i am in love. SO IN LOVE WITH LIFE AND GOD!

i had my rough years, years when i continuously asked myself what is my life’s purpose? I know that sounds so mid-life crisis type thinking, but yes, i almost believed i was going to die young because i was experiencing mid-life crisis at the age of 19! hehe

i finished my study as a nurse because i felt that my life’s purpose is to help other people especially the poor. i even asked the Lord to always guide me in my studies so that i can help other people after i’m done, but the truth is i was never happy. I got through, but the same feeling was there… empty. i tried, but same feeling persisted and i gave up. I felt guilty, so I volunteered at church as a nurse, but still i felt empty, lacking.

It is when i started going out of my way, then i realized how to be really happy. my core gifts are ebbed from art and music and me diversifying these things sucked the life out of me!

…

i learned about capoeira through internet, i have no idea what it was, but coincidentally it hit me on the face. i was never a sporty person (well, i used to golf, bowl, and swim, but was never that into it), but when i saw capoeira i said to myself i have to learn this. i was curious. what reeled me in was the music, the art, more so the passion meshed together from people there. the first few weeks have been very rough (actually, it still is!), but when i first heard the berimbau, their voices and saw the art put in every game, i realized i will endure any pain for THIS. my heart leapt in places!

It teaches me not just how to discipline my mind, control my body, but a way of life!

I breathe and live for art and music, everything that came and went with it, i am most willing to accept. And this is my life’s purpose, to hone my core gifts, persevere in abundance from wealth, love, and to share. It is still there, i want to help poor people. share, share, share!…only this time it is linked to my core gifts.

i will do it. watch me.

I was at my friend’s party last night. Of course, along with the course of meal also comes course of memory talks. Then, it was brought up again… me, being the most competitive.

True. I am always competitive. Whatever I am involved in, I put on a game face. Whether it is to play sports, card games, mah-jongg, mind game or merely just playing wii, I am bound to being competitive.

And why not? Is it bad?

Others do not want to be tagged as “a competitive”. Frankly, I do not see the reason why.

If that pursuit does not hurt anybody. Then, why not? For me, if a trait pushes you to be a better person, go, do not stop. Being competitive pushes me to always do my best, not to defeat others, but a constant mindset of always trying to out-win myself. I treat this as my everyday practice in giving my all and not settling for mediocrity. I think it is just a matter of intentions.

YES! Do try to develop a winning attitude. Set intentions well. Always try to find, keep, and ACHIEVE a GOAL.